you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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