I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
