i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
