I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
