who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
