She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
