I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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