if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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