Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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