My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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