Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
