If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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