I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
farters have to be the big spoon...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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