literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
