it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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