my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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