you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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