he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
