I think I won the penis lottery.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize