mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
