I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
