It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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