She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
