I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
