Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
