dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
