I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
