I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
