I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
