if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
