I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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