the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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