So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
