it's too hot outside to masturbate.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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