I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
