note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
