my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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