i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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