broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
