Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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