I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
