Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
