You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
