Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
