and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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