i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
