apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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