I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
