You made me cry and you don't even care
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
