My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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